a dramatist for the cynics?

Back in Grade 12 I had to write a short little untitled play for my English class. I sort of had an inclination towards avant grade theatre back than, I had been interning with the theatre department at Sarah Lawrence College, reading lots of Beckett and Ionesco and plotting to put on a DIY Punk themed absurdist masterpiece of my own. well, my absurdist masterpiece is still very much a work in progress, because to be honest, I often forget of its existence and it goes unfinished for months, only to be resurrected and expanded or gingerly edited every time I stumble across the manuscript. at this rate, I figure I'll have it done by time i'm 27. but alas, my flirtation with the stage withered and died once I entered the academic side of it. that and theatre kids (even in University, they really are kids) are a rather peculiar bunch that I don't seem to "jive" with all too well. However, some little pieces of my brief foray into creativity remain. one of them being this little ditty I penned at the end of High School (forgive the fact that it is written in a vernacular that disregards all formative norms of written drama). I was incredibly cynical and jaded at the time. By my own accord, I had not obtained well enough High School marks to make it into any University I initially applied to, and all the while having to simultaneously wage war with the Orwellian, privatized monster that is post-Secondary education in the United States, made this a quite daunting and sordid experience, and that's putting it nicely! this is a product of that angst. however, time (mostly) healed those wounds and after having attended the University of Toronto (wich coincidentally had been my dream school since Grade 10)I can firmly say my desires were misguided and University is overrated. but nevertheless, my desires for a degree are still not completely stifled......yet. so in keeping up with my quest for education sans indoctrination, I just applied to Concordia University in Montreal. marvelous, eh? rawr.

here is the play unabridged:

*SCENE*

(Enter Lance and Tray)

LANCE: I for one am absolutely floored to be attending this shining gem

TRAY: The beacon of enlightenment, the stalwart of the divine, the leader in the Liberal Arts.

LANCE: do you have it?

TRAY: have what?

LANCE: The Cheque’s

TRAY: Oh Yes

(Tray pulls out two large cheques from his satchel)

TRAY: $56,000 for you, $56,000 for me.

LANCE: The price we pay for such a captivating experience.

TRAY: We are the educated elite, we are better than those groundlings, those inferiors who are rotting in….gasp!....Community College’s!

LANCE: so, what do we do now?

TRAY: lets just get….

(Enter ADMISSIONS DIRECTOR SULU)

SULU: Hey Fellas! Dig my new asbestos suit!

(LANCE and TRAY gaze at SULU’s suit.)

SULU: If you work diligently, and follow the master plan, than You can wear one of these too!

LANCE and TRAY: yay!!

SULU: Now the very quintessence….no….quiddity of the college admissions orgy is its…well…realness and honesty. As you have being doing, you must format your lexicon and speech patterns from these scripts we have so generously bequeathed to you. If you fail to follow the script, you are an anti-intellectual philistine, and you don’t want that do you? We all follow the script here, I do, you do, your professors do, only our corporate overlords who endow our fine institution are enlightened enough to speak freely.

LANCE and TRAY: (reading from the script): I Will not delineate from the master plan.

SULU: Now that the ground rules have been set, and your fine educations are completely paid for, I would like to, on behalf of our corporate overlords, welcome you two to Bernard L. Madoff College.

LANCE: I am so glad to be a part of this fine institution

TRAY: I thank Robert Moses everyday that my status as a member of the Landed Gentry allows me to take advantage of this opportunity.

LANCE: it is such a fabulous life, being coddled in a perverted form of a cradle to the grave welfare system, set up for the perpetuation of the power structure.

SULU: and boys, here at Madoff College, you will be taught only the most progressive of ideals, by the world’s leading left leaning scholars, However, be warned, if you try to act on those ideals, you will face the unrestrained wrath of said power structure.

LANCE and TRAY: We will not think freely, we will regurgitate the same basic form of faux-intellectualism that has been in vogue among the pseudo-alternative educational overmind since the 1960s.

SULU: Now Boys, let us continue our tour by showing our cutting edge facilities!

(enter SULU, LANCE and TRAY outside of a trash receptacle)

SULU: These amenities allow out students to be on the cutting edge of humanities and arts education, our bounty over your heads is but a small price to pay for these impeccable educational devices!

SULU (pointing to the garbage can): as long as you are a part of the lucky few, the humanistic ideals we teach you are as golden as the material inside of this fine device, and in the course of your studies here, as long as you follow the master plan, your minds and this device will share an inseparable symbiotic bond. Isn’t that absolutely captivating?

(LANCE and TRAY nod in approval)

SULU: Now, it is time to show you our room and board amenities!

(Enter LANCE, TRAY and SULU outside of a dormitory)

SULU: after your minds are stimulated, this is where you can vivify your loins! After you complete the process of social sacculation, you too can be a part of the old boys’ network of patriarchical dominance! As healthy young alpha males in the midst of post secondary education, you can choose from our fine crop of comfort women, we have an endless supply in our various sororities!

(LANCE and TRAY look on in amazement)

LANCE: Now that I am in the institution, I can fully enjoy my status as a proud misogynist!

TRAY: Were going to Fuck Bitches, Get Money!!!!

SULU: Now Now Tray, we at Madoff College do not tolerate such language

TRAY: Excuse me….myself and my good friends will fornicate with the opposite sex while illegally procuring large sums of currency.

SULU: Much better!

LANCE: so tell us, Mr. Sulu, we can live out our grandest terminal preppie fantasies in these buildings?

SULU: as long as you keep paying your room and board fees, than yes!

LANCE: and the administration will turn a blind eye to our rampant sexism and the unrestrained moral bankruptcy that we partake in?

SULU: It would be simply un-American if we didn’t, even at an “alternative” school like ours!

TRAY: (under his breath) I can’t believe they actually wrote that into the script!

SULU: Tray! Follow the Script!!

TRAY: yes sir.

SULU: now, we will visit another building, come with me.

(Enter LANCE, TRAY, SULU and ULRICH outside of a large modern building)

LANCE: wow, what a sight to behold!

TRAY: it is magnificent

ULRICH: (walking out of the building): I just got back from Holiday….In Cambodia!

SULU: Why Hello, Jello, care to explain your positive experiences at Madoff College with these two incoming freshman.

ULRICH: Well, the visual arts building is really neat-o, I’m going to be the most talked about artist in the Brooklyn loft scene when I finish here! I also like the school, because it is like, so um.....diverse.

(EXIT SULU)

SULU: that is right, at Madoff College, all shades of white are represented in out student body!

LANCE: Even the Dutch?

SULU: Even the Dutch!!

TRAY: WOW! Ive never seen a Dutchman before!

LANCE: how about Flying Dutchmen?

(ENTER FLYING DUTCHMAN)

FLYING DUTCHMAN: Arrrrgh!!!! SHOW ME YER BOOTY!!

TRAY: this is the worst college ever

LANCE: the worst play ever too.

SULU: NO!!! My dream is ruined!

(SULU collapses and dies, while LANCE, TRAY and the FLYING DUTCHMAN disco dance)

*FIN*